While the story is somewhat fine, telling the story of frisk's and chara's lives with the astral mother, I do have one immediate gripe to make:
To make the obvious question:
"IS THIS FUCKING ALPHATALE OR LISA THE PAINFUL?" -
So to explain this very problem, I'll have to look at some key things of "When mature content is done right vs when it's done wrong", in which I already mentioned in my oldest former piece of criticism about Alphatale.
A good example of Extreme behavior (Strong language, depraved or extremely violent behavior, or the use of drugs) Is where the astral mother starts getting onto frisk and chara. with the very comment being: “Will you two settle down damnit! I can’t focus on my fucking work if your both over there boondoggling!!” 'the Astral Mother shouted in complete anger only getting the kid’s attention when she cursed to which they scolded her and pointed out like as if she was a child'
while she is meant to be a manipulative, flamboyant individual, I'll let her comment slide considering she's essentially busy trying to deal with stuff. It could also prove that there's more than her character, she's a terrible mother as we have established, and this does reinforce that...
Later on, this does escalate... in a way that very much enters an excessive, and unnecessary level of "Over-the top edginess", which I could say rivals that of underfell.
Allow me to take another snippet of steel heart, albeit a longer one:
A lesser example:
“KILL THIS CUNT!” shouted Muffet as hordes of people began to rush the Astral Mother only for her to begin brawling against the mob using their own objects against them and then using her claws to jab many of them in their throats. Chara got ready to fight, but Frisk just grabbed his brother’s hand and began to run off down the hall with other members of the mob chasing after them “Wait you two! Stay here!” the Astral Mother shouted before getting hit over the head with a large chair and falling to the ground, she could feel blood rushing to her head as she felt members of the crowd begin to jump and beat her.
A more excessive example:
“ Ok…didn’t know I could do that, well at least its handy” she said as she then peeked outside and saw a few monsters pissing on the floor and walls and one ready to take a shit on a end table “this is what that bitch and all of her lackeys get for making this place a living hell!” said one of the monsters as the rest began to laugh and chuckle only for the Astral Mother to burst out of the broom closet and stab one of them with a broom and then jam it through the second one’s ear and straight through the other all while the third one watched in fear, she let their corpses fall down as she began to walk towards the last monster who struggled to pull up his pants “H-Hey I was just playing and that bitch thing was a joke too yakow? hehehe” the monster said before the Astral Mother grabbed a hold of his shirt and pulled him close “Where is your leader?” asked the Astral Mother as he claws extended poking the monster’s face drawing blood from it “Or am I gonna have to cut open your jaw that way all the information I need spills out”
Now with this in mind, I'll have to give my criticism on this one. The part where the astral mother threatens to cut open his jaw seems a bit more reasonable for an Undertale AU, given that there have been many brutal threats made in other AUs, as well as in Deltarune, In which the king "Threatens" to drop lancer, 'having him splat into bloody pieces'
However, I really never expected the elegant, "Fine and dandy" Muffet to literally shout "KILL THIS CUNT!" of all things (even if they hate the astral mother, I could have expected "Off with their head" or something like that). it just seems so unfitting for their formal and leadership-based character. the even more extreme example can be found with the fact that monsters were literally whizzing on the walls, with one preparing to crap on a table (all the while the astral mother is missing her clothes). while undertale is no stranger to questionable behavior (I mean, sans drinks ketchup and eats dog food, Undyne was fine with her house on fire, and the fact that papyrus asks to use the restroom when he's a literal skeleton), THIS is literally the big "Shad, Shad, hold up!" moment for me. I get that alphatale doesn't have to be exactly like undertale or deltarune, but going to the extremes of having slaughter and excretement in one paragraph seems a bit too much, even for an undertale AU (Hell, I bet even axetale was a bit more chill than this, although I'm not sure.)
I'm glad that in this story, Error404 and the other sanses are being centralized this time, but the way it was executed was downright poor. I'll give this a fine 4.5/10, It could have been written worse, but boy, even for a guy like me (who's been fine with stuff like Lisa: the painful / the joyful, may I mind you), some of this looks like it was written by an angsty teenager. (I'm not saying that shad sucks at writing, I just think It could have been a lot better)